We went to the Wolsey
Theatre in Ipswich to watch Ian McMillan - the performance was excellent
and made an evening out very enjoyable - you can read some of his
poems at www.ian-mcmillan.co.uk.
As an example of his work I have reproduced his tribute to Ronnie
GOODNIGHT FROM HIM
It’s goodnight from him
And it’s goodnight to this:
Saturday bathtime, a home win,
Of a night in the glow
Of a rented TV;
A family spread out
On two chairs, one settee.
It’s goodnight from him
And it’s goodbye from me
To a comedy built on dances with words,
An eye for the language
An ear for absurd
Interlocutions, grammatical fluffs
And lines that my brother just called
but it made us all howl
and that was enough.
So it’s goodnight from him
And goodbye to a time
When Saturday night
Clicked round like a rhyme
In the kind of odd song
Ronnie Barker might croon
And the words made you smile,
But they fitted the tune
Like the bloke in the glasses
With a face like The Moon
Fitted Saturday night;
It was over too soon
But it kept us all laughing
While outside the world
Was changing and shifting
He cut through the gloom:
The comedy furniture
In our collective front room.
So I’ll light four candles
And let them burn down
For an actor, a wordsmith, a genius, a clown;
And now this tired world
Is just that bit more grim:
Close the cell door,
Shut the shop up.
It’s goodnight from him.
© Ian McMillan, for BBC R4 Front Row, 7.10.05
Here are some allegedly real quotes from letters
to Islington Council's housing department
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off."
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his
ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging
his balls against my fence."
"I wish to report that tiles are missing from
the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other
night that blew them off."
"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is
coming away from the wall."
"Will you please send someone to mend the garden
path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers
in the kitchen."
"Can you please tell me when the repairs will
be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
"I am still having trouble with smoke in my
built in drawers."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the
children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water,
it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now
it is in three pieces."
"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout.
I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
"I want to complain about the farmer across
the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting
"The man next door has a large erection in
the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children
and would like a third so will you please send someone around to
do something about it."
"I am a single woman living in a downstairs
flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise
made by the man I have on top of me every night."
"Please send a man with clean tools to finish
the job and satisfy the wife."
"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on
the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."
"We are getting married in September and would
like it in the garden before we move into the house."
"This is to let you know that our lavatory
seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play !
Please read all!
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort
3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit"
on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal
East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North"
toward "North Airport Exit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward
"Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow
for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44
east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north"
toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue
F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" -
follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west"
toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east"
toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward
"Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate
40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
Now that's the ******** way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .
How many Spaniards does it take to change a light
Two women were talking at a party, and one said,
“Look at that awful-looking man over there… isn’t
he hideous? I think he must be the most unattractive man I’ve
ever seen in my life!”
“That happens to be my husband!” said the second icily.
“Oh dear,” said the first, covered in confusion, “I’m
To which the unfortunate wife replied, “You’re sorry…?”
A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves
waiting outside the pearly gates.
Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order to get
to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question. St Peter turns
to the teacher.
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?
They made a movie about it."
The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic."
St Peter lets him through the gates.
He then turns to the dustman and asks: "How many people died
on the ship?" Fortunately, the dustman has just seen the DVD.
1,228," he answers. "That's right! You may enter."
St Peter then turns to the lawyer. "Name them."
One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean,
two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures
of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted,"
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away,
afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian
continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely
and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the
mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned
back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the
reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old
friend. I've changed… I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."